Aug. 16, 2021

17: Let's do it LIVE!


Some people thought it couldn't be done... they were wrong. Some said no-one would be daft enough to turn up... they were wrong too!! And some people said we wouldn't be able to create the greatest story EVER with nothing more than our wits and a willing audience. They were mostly possibly right, but it didn't stop us having a right old load of fun trying. Enjoy!! 

Music by Dan-o Songs
Transcript

even though we know it's wrong

little little

what a beautiful beautiful song about improv and storytelling which is rather appropriate because this is the failing writers podcast live well it's not live it was live they did a live show which they recorded so look it'll make sense if you keep listening well most of it'll make sense some of it i guess

hey it was nice to see you chaps in the actual flesh the other day can i just start with that it was nice to see you to see your flesh literally the first time since we started the podcast that we've all been together in the same place yeah i think it's the first time for many many years that we've all been together yeah um yeah although we make it sound as if we're all in the same room with our genuine just the power of our act professionalism yeah right um but no it was nice to all be in the same place eat the same foods drink the same drinks you know make it sound weird now yeah it just sounded a bit weird though next time we should order our own food rather than just yeah we should yeah and just have like three drinks around the table

but why were we together we were together because we were doing our first ever talk about firsts we were doing our first ever live podcast we were recording it in a front of a live i was gonna say studio audience we weren't in the studio we were outside and we were outside ilkley manor house and uh yeah we recorded the greatest story ever written in the whole world ever that was the pitch wasn't it that's what we promised up front what's the pitch how did it go was it a great story i think maybe it was maybe it was the greatest story of its type generated in that format by those people in that situation in precise time yeah yeah we could we could say it was the greatest story of its time but the time was that specific half an hour period yeah yeah i quite like that well no one booed i didn't hear anyone and that is probably the first performance i've ever been a part of where no one booed i think it went pretty well i enjoyed it i think we all enjoyed it resounding success it was good i enjoyed the whole process i enjoyed it a lot more than i thought i would to be honest but i wonder i wonder if we'll need any like uh explanatory notes to explain the visual cues you know like at this point john tries to mime a drowning man or uh at this point we reveal a large wheel of fortune yeah i don't know i think although it does sound like it's been recorded on a on a 1990s sony walkman it's generally uh self-explanatory i think is it cool i think dear listen you'll just have to be willing to go along for the ride yes it's the theatre of the mind isn't it yeah it does get weird in places but yeah and i think do stick with so the first 20 minutes when we're just kind of getting setting out the foundations and then uh it really does kick into being quite possibly the greatest story ever written yeah i think you know what tom i think it's probably one of those things you just have to hear to believe yeah for a horrible moment like birdie i thought you were going to say it's one of those things that you had to be there for

yeah you can listen if you want but it won't be the same as if you were there this next 50 minutes are gonna be absolute hell for you absolute boredom pop it on in the background and find something better to do so without further ado ladies and gentlemen please welcome on stage john tom and dave the failing writers

thanks for coming out of your lovely cozy warm homes out into the big scary disease-ridden world is really really lovely of you but hopefully you won't be disappointed because ladies and gentlemen tonight we're going to attempt something very very exciting we are going to try to write a story here and now improvising it from scratch and hopefully in a few years time we'll all look back on this event and we'll all think i was there i was there when one of the greatest cultural events of the 21st century took place isn't that right tom yeah absolutely and i think you've undersoured if anything you really have yeah i'm not not prone to hyperbole yeah it's uh i'll be honest with you we've never done this before um we are the failing writers podcast that probably gives a hint of how it might turn out um but it is gonna be an experiment involving us and you interactively exactly if i'm sat at the front i pull that first because i think you are probably the first person we're going to pick on definitely now now we will now yeah um so yes we will be expecting you and hoping that you help us stop this from being an absolute disaster fingers crossed right the main question really is why we're doing it isn't it well that should have been so it should have been well we're doing it as tom said because because we are the failing writers podcast and that means like like 90 percent of the people who want to be writers or call themselves writers we we fail at it yeah you know if we try consistently all the time we try to write something we fail if we start something we fail to get to the end sometimes we write something send it off to someone and they go that's rubbish if they read it at all we failed but the most important part of the failing rights podcast is the little word in is the most important part because it means we're still going we're still we're still trying aren't we we've still got many more failures in front of us and god willing tonight will be one of the biggest so um yeah let's um let's go it's the arbitrary timing device yes so each one of us is gonna we're gonna take turns at swapping at being the scribe we'll set a little timer going then we'll swap what are we saying five minutes five minutes five minutes okay okay so without further ado i think the way this is gonna work best is oh i've forgotten one of my very important hold on a minute this will be exciting very important prop is my hat oh uh which i might put on actually the hairs get in the face um so how this is gonna work is what we're gonna do is we're just gonna create a character from scratch that's how we're going to start and then we're going to release that character out into the wilds of our imagination and then hopefully that'll get things going i mean surely that'll work i'll be fine with

so uh can we have uh people just throwing out some first names we need some just random first name good first name to start our main character simone we've got anyone else

quite like ronaldo i like ronald's quite like ronnie larry's quite good as well larry larry or ronaldo i thought larry sounds like an absolute disaster of a person a brilliant he's exactly the kind of person okay larry okay would you like to pick one of these out please sir and would you read it out loud he's thinking he's got off quite lightly for being the first victim this is going to be the person's surname it says name something very very small okay name something very very small please

ant snail microbe my i quite like microbes harry micro larry microbe he sounds like a hero we're not gonna get in trouble that that's already someone's name we're gonna get sued because what if larry microwave hears about this okay larry mike and what does matt what does larry do for a living dentist we've got quite a lot of direct over here yeah what was that funeral director funeral director there's some there's something in there very micro larry microbe yeah i quite like that should we go with that yeah what could be more jolly than an evening out there

perfect right will be the greatest story ever oh i feel like i'm beginning the timer john has it already been started come on

sorry everyone so larry microbe the funeral director the funeral director yeah woke up six o'clock sharp yeah like he always does death death never sleeps death never sleeps he thought to himself are you getting this dave no but carry on safe's quite slow at typing we've seen the floor in this plan he's only used his two fingers oh you're kidding monkeys and tight writers i believe they said that's what i'm going to need an infinite number of days right now how are you doing dave you got ready keep going he's a good stuff yeah okay uh what can he what can his funeral directors be called that he's gonna i assume he's going to work is he going to work he's going to work yeah he's going to turn he's going to work he's got to work maybe he lives in the in the funeral directors to save time he just wakes up nice and just cracks on with it you know what we should have a location let's put himself right yeah okay let's put him out obviously he wakes up but where is he where is he everybody where's larry

he's on a campsite quite like that yeah anything a bit

more gruesome i like it i like it anymore enough sort of a big coffin isn't it i think i quite like the idea of larry just waking up on a barge not knowing why he's there yeah yeah okay you got that dave yes yeah you've got that okay just normal like canal barge yeah canal bars yeah yeah yeah

dead quiet on the barge really woke up okay where's he heading i don't know i feel like he should be going to work and then maybe he gets on a barge he's not distracted does he know where he is is he like waking up and thinking why am i on a barge why is larry mike he probably talks about himself in the third yeah yeah i think he does why is larry microbe on a barge okay yeah i like that okay woke up questioning but did it but did what do you know he's on a bus if you woke up on a bike would you know you're on a bike yeah yeah

so maybe he does maybe he panics first of all he's panicking because he thinks he's in a coffin yeah maybe he thinks it's a dream oh but it's not actually a dream that's never been done in stories before this really is going to be the greatest actually but it actually isn't a dream right it turns out right got that dave i don't think yeah just say yes yeah brilliant okay i think it feels like this is going quite well actually yeah i've got a desperate to try and think up a name for his company for his funeral okay yeah i think we can uh i think you could probably help us out with that we've we've had conversations about yeah fake fake names for funeral parlor is the cup remember i think we all have haven't we yes it's our living that's quite nice the final curtain caskets and baskets that's nice that's nice

he makes houses for cats on the side he also makes baskets yeah well if anyone doesn't die orange will bury things in baskets yeah yeah good call okay so we're back on the barge this wasn't caskets and baskets that's good that's good there that's worked it in well nice yeah i'm happy now we've got the name of the funeral director okay

so you get basket caskets is what you're saying yeah okay yeah larry finds this difficult to do when he's saying about the casket yeah basket casket yeah yeah welcome to caskets and baskets if you're looking for a basic cafe or a casket basket or just about that's why his business is failing yeah exactly because sometimes people just want a basket a plain old basket yeah or have they got a yearning oh come on come on and that concludes tonight eventually finish on a high

it's too soon we need that at the end we need that kind of input towards the end yeah just hold your fire right dave i think we've stalled enough for you he caught up now i'm yeah i'm there yeah he's finished the mystery that larry's on this barge we need some peril we need a character another character needs to come in we do so suddenly the boat rocks yeah yeah larry sits up he's out of his casket coughing-esque room yeah okay and we need someone to turn up who should we uh who should we have turning up should we should we do the name linda not linda linda come linda's here larry's not gonna be afterwards linda's arrived what's her surname oh we we need the hat certainly we need her name surname come over here we need the sorting hat read it out loud please

linda trout i like that a lot that's good linda trout's just turned up what does linda do for a living she's for a living she's an ornithologist for a living anything else

he's a grave robber yeah yeah that's good i remember being in school when the careers advisor came around yeah right right at the top of that like working outdoors yeah you're like digging yeah i'll go one for you what else could she do that's maybe legal or a job

archaeologist but she does a little bit of grave robbing on the side and a bit of valley as well a bit of ballet bit of ballet why not typical linda trout yeah jack of all trades god linda okay so the barge rocks and lee sits up linda appears linda appears in the doorway so she did she just lets herself in maybe i don't maybe it's her barge oh i don't know larry doesn't know why he's there does he know what the timer oh so she's already there what yes this one's good but it was coming from the inside from the inside yes oh that's good that is good and what can she say that what we need a killer first line for linda this is our first one

yep that's perfect all right get that down do you want to come up here uh yeah so she needs we need we need a spin it needs to be something there needs to be some would she well maybe she said something like i thought i killed you or something yeah yeah i was thinking about the death thing uh she is she dead what she's already dead no it's too it's too much in it too soon we've stepped into our experiment why why is why is he on her barge would she not ask that oh so it is her barge if she's there okay you suggested a simple question like what are you doing on my barge well sometimes the simple thing is that you know it's the obvious thing isn't it maybe about a funeral

yeah the eyes met over a perfectly embalmed body

that get anyone going

he's asleep right i'm sorry to bring rationality back to this but if there's any players

she's in the toilet presumably she knows he's out there because he's been asleep there unless you spent all night in the toilet somewhere yeah a tinder date okay just like the morning after like oh the walk of shame oh okay all right okay all right so she comes out he's forgotten the whole thing presumably because he had a he'd have a couple yep so she walks out the toilets i just realized we're not getting very far with the story yet not really no it feels like we're kind of have we got like five minutes left yeah so we'll keep in mind the time that went off ages ago he didn't make much of a noise did it right okay come on what we need is uh larry needs to want something doesn't he he does he needs a goal he needs to what does he want what does he want if you were a funeral director just woken up on a barge we've all been there but what what would you want what what breakfast breakfast i mean it's not it's not hollywood movie we need a better lizard we need a bit of peril now yeah yeah what does he want he wants to get out of there because he's got something that he has to do that has to be done now

it's in the sea yes it's in the sea here's this is an obstacle though isn't it this is the obstacles to why he can't do it but what is it that he needs to do is he just got yeah maybe there are bodies that are going off and he's got to get back yeah yeah to embalm them quickly yeah right now he took a couple out of the freezer the night before yeah because he needed to you know exactly get him ready or whatever i'm still frozen when you're yeah yeah doing your business do you so right so he needs to get back he needs to embalm these bodies but what what would happen we need to up the stakes right so what would happen have you ever been out on the sea or not is that a thing yeah yeah yeah yeah what would happen if he didn't if he didn't get back his business yes his business would fail yeah so maybe he needs the money to pay for something so that's good yeah he's desperate he's desperate then get out of the funeral train into it's a dead-end job

he wants to be a writer why would he want to do that right but he needs to speak he needs to get back because he needs the business to go well because he needs money because he pay off a debt i pay off a debt that's a good one isn't it yes it's it's not it's not just any old debt no is it it's it's uh what about the mafia yeah we've got the russian mob the mafia we're getting here so he owes money to the mafia may visit gambling debt perhaps

so he basically needs a lot of money he needs it quickly but one of the first things he needs because he's going to get a good payout from these uh embalmed bodies yes he needs to get back to his office they're not just embalmed bodies they're royalty yes they're recently dead royalty recently so it's a big gig because they're gonna have an open casket

yes so but then he so he he goes he has to rush out yeah then he realizes that they're at sea yeah he steps off and he steps back in again and what would he say maybe this is time to bring in uh some sort of random factor john yes yes but how do we how would we do that how would we do that do you know what we use when we want to bring in a rounding factor what we use the john randomizer yes okay

oh ladies and gentlemen this is the john randomizer whenever you're writing and you you get stuck it's very important to have a way of getting through that and i'm not trying to sell this to you but if uh if you ever get in that position this is an excellent piece of equipment it's called the john randomizer it's very simple all you do is twizzle it who would like to twizzle it come on then very simple you twizzle it okay i have here give it a big old spin you could twizzle it anywhere you like your juice

grab it by the middle perhaps

yeah oh that's a great puzzle so larry steps up he realizes he's out at sea and what happens then okay what number do we got i don't know 16.

there is a blinding flash of light in the sky

that actually fits doesn't it sort of does almost yeah that increases the peril so the waves are just starting to what a lighthouse oh okay i was going with the turbulent seas the imminent death but that's quite good better so that's better so he's heading towards the rocks yeah there's a lighthouse and every time and then come back again yeah drifted out quite quickly come back in yeah and just go from a canal he's gone yeah yeah yeah

he's gone out to sea he's come back again there's a blinding flash of light and then in that blinding flash of light he sees linda for the first time what what she was on the boat and we're going backwards here where's he left is he not on the boat still yeah he's still everyone's on the boat they're both on the boat exactly and he's just had a look outside and he's seen some land some rocky outcrop yeah yeah and the lighthouse is that what you're seeing yeah yeah and that's when he goes oh my god a lighthouse yes and linda oh how am i going to get back how is he going to get back so now we need to introduce a means or a plan don't worry he needs to have him like the a team like the a team but with fewer garage improvements and cabbages yeah without the theme music yeah so he has to make a plan so if you were out at sea and you and you oh there goes the power swap it two seconds two seconds i've got to get this line out if you're out of sea all you've got is a barge hang on barges have engines that's far too simple isn't it you but you were trying but you're right you would try to start the engine sorry linda's a champion swimmer there you go fresh back from the olympics yeah

oh yeah a lot of olympians yeah they're hobbies

that's all right that's all right you're out his seat so so larry's going to try and start the engine john the microbe he's going to try and start the engine but linda lin i think linda might have just said that the engine wouldn't be powerful enough to work in the sea i thought that's quite good it'll get around actually that's that's probably true good point linda is much cleverer she appears to be doesn't she she appears to be becoming evident isn't it yeah yeah yeah we probably could do we could do with a linda

this isn't a fantasy oh macgyver

so so the engine the engine doesn't work we established it's not strong enough david just like the engine does work but it's not strong enough so despite the fact that the engine isn't strong enough to get to land linda can swim because linda's like buff she can yeah

can she that's a good one isn't it so what do we think should can she fix the engine or she gonna have to swim maybe we need are we okay so linda's gonna have to swim for it or maybe the fishing boat that's just pulling up alongside them yeah i don't know

yeah let's have someone just we're just gonna no we can't rescue them that easily come on yeah they've got to figure it out themselves why don't we set linda off swimming first and then larry gets rescued anyway because that's the kind of thing larry would do hang on hang on linda's gonna start swimming just out of interest yeah do dead bodies float yes they do they will fill it with gas if you if you leave okay i think they need to find the dead body down the end that he was just having a quick start on i think it was a recently deceased royal that he'd taken on the barge in the royal barge on the royal badge just to make a start on it because he knew he had a busy day the next day he's also got other royals back he's already got royals

the mountain has to come to larry okay so if he can't get back to his room then they're gonna have to bring the dead bodies to the barge whoa so how's that worked hang on maybe no here here you go the dead bodies are on the barge because he wanted to make a little start on them he always but now they're going on doesn't it but now he just never knows when to switch out they're gonna have to ride those dead bodies as a raft as a raft as a body wrap right okay so good idea linda before they do linda's done it again yeah okay

let's keep this let's keep this in the realms of things that could actually happen no i like jet packs so they're gonna they're gonna jump on the bodies of the deceased royals they're gonna quickly make a raft together yeah okay and then tie them together with life jackets yes ironically named life jackets for these poor poor dead royals are they then going to uh are they going to they're going to ride them like paddleboard them in or they're going to so i'm trying to think the last time i did this the last time i rode dead bodies uh to safety yeah i think you tie them together rocks that would kneel you do need to tighten you need to tie them together yeah you need to make sure that your dead bodies don't puncture on the rocks when you hit them that's true because that's that's not good yeah so are they riding towards are they on the rocks are they safe yet really good you just keep going okay i'm only about i'm only about five minutes behind that's fine okay but now what does all what do all good stories need uh talented writers relative writers right okay we don't know how else do they do we've got our heroes haven't we but what haven't we got tom an antagonist a villain an antagonist so we need some sort of villain of the piece because the people riding dead bodies are obviously the salt of the housekeeper the evil lighthouse keeper my housekeeper who's called steve welcome to stephen stephen stephen get the hat names we need the hat of surnames oh yeah where's the hat john yep just there right okay so what's in this house it's just it's just it's it's a just get someone to pick out now anyone want to pick who wants to pick up pick something steven the evil lighthouse keeper steven's surname is oh lovely steven spam steven sausage stephen haggis

when hillary potted and david meat got married yeah it could have been meat potted no that doesn't make sense steven potted meat the lighthouse keeper it was a it was a beautiful service yeah why would he is that serious tip he only put it on for two minutes you have to watch him you have to watch him he doesn't like doing menial work why but why why would stephen podgy meet the lighthouse keeper because obviously you're gonna have to write all that because he won't have written stephen potted meet the lighthouse keeper because that's that's all i wrote but so if stephen is going to be the villain that means that he wants to stop he wants the bodies for himself oh okay what for he's got everyone stephen potted me also has a funeral director

that's nice yeah so he's got he's got a bit of a trade in dead bodies his strap line is follow the light

that's good

linda is an undercover body stealer i knew i didn't like her you finally got it round to the gravedigging thing you've got it that's what i wanted wasn't it just one of the dead bodies being stolen that's all she wanted okay so linda so linda is working alongside steven pottybeat linda got poor old what's his name larry drunk larry macro right so yeah so she was trying to yeah she was out for stealing the bodies all the time we should have seen that coming from the start it was so obvious it really was what was that was a suggestion

whoa that's dark yeah so we might have to save that one up just took that one away dave that's our envy right there okay so linda and stephen are in cahoots yeah linda trout and stephen potted meat i'm glad you did the thing with the hat it's added a real uh realism to the name yeah i think so good idea so they're in kahoot to steal these royal bodies yeah yeah because they've got jewels they've been very you know oh okay they've got all the gear on jerky you might be able to sell them on the black market the bodies imagine if you like the queen if you had the queen in the freezer at home you'd definitely give me a cat you put it on ebay yeah yeah get some up for that like yeah yeah okay so yeah so there's like a black market dead royals thing going on deadrolls.com i don't know if you've been on there yeah yeah yeah yeah just missed out on prince philip whoa well too early man is it too early the queen mother queen mother did we do the queen mother just missed out the queen mother yeah you can't cheer it

you got that dave okay so so it's a they've had this this lighthouse stroke undertaker's business for generations maybe yeah yeah what is it but he wants to take it more upmarket definitely yeah imagine that that's what he wants yeah yeah he wants the royals for kudos doesn't he oh of course charming

i think it means you've accidentally stopped your recording no is that the 10 minutes left timer it is right this is serious now guys we've got 10 minutes left okay so you've obviously i know you've all been saving up good ideas for the end bearing in mind what's happened so far so this is where we really need to push it on so they've stolen the bodies and this drifted they've drifted to shore on the bodies so this is where they're done yeah she knew that oh we'll use the bodies the mortar was strong enough there you go

there you go typical of the entire trout family

yeah he feels does he know yet does he know he's been double crossed as soon as they presumably if there was a flash of light yeah it is night time right we are we assuming that yeah what's more they might be very early morning in winter winter morning cold winter's morning it's a long way north today yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so they wash up on shore i've just seen this in the head yeah that's good visualize you've got to visualize when you're telling stories this is what we were hoping steve

is he pretending that he's helping he's going to help them he's going to oh no oh let me help linda first that's it quickly on to the beach he grabble he grabbed linda's hand linda's first yep ah linda's first and then just push yeah the body's next what about coral steve's flailing around not steve you're the one larry larry micro larry microbe he's flailing in the ocean yeah yeah larry's hanging on hanging on to the prince's side yeah

not don't say which bit of the underside just a generic part of his undecided there you go might be his bottom an unspecified royal area but it might be it might be a royal area okay it might be his bottom oh it's raining this will make him think quicker it will yeah come on so now he's he's pulling the bodies up onto the beach now poor old larry's still in the ocean what's he going to do this is where larry's glad that he trained those three dolphins but no he's not too much too much they're too far gone too far gone is this this is the reveal presumably this needs to be this is when linda turns to larry linda says i'm a mermaid i think she needs me probably just apologizes sorry nothing personal just business just business yeah yeah yeah oh and then larry larry's he's going under a couple of times starting tonight i'm not larry he's stuck yeah he's larry he's sorry for him okay that's nice he's going under a couple of times he's panicking he's waving yeah finally his hand just sinks beneath the waves he's sinking there he's thinking about it but wait he's never a good swimmer now the queen wakes up

now the queen wakes up you've only got five minutes left a royal good point suddenly extends out and grabs larry when

just using a normal arm royal arm a normal royal arm pulls him just gets towards the shore he just gets his yeah my long lost son oh he's taking another turn tom i'm not sure i can take these twists it's good it's good i said we'd do it yeah great oh just keep going there if you want keep going wait a minute we're nearly there we've got two minutes left uh my son my son my long-lost son and larry says i'm a i'm a prince and she says well not exactly it's it's complicated

your dad works let's let's not go into it now yeah i'll cut this yeah it's got all that both unresolved unresolved paternity i mean i don't type that quick but i think we've established that early dars david okay final bit of peril steve needs to steve goes steve i'm sorry but is steve dead or alive is he going to end up dead or alive in this i think that's it steve says i need you dead

what i need you dead oh he wants to kill larry no he wants to kill the queen he's not good at drifting around is it alive he just wants so it's it's like some like big end battles yeah steve yeah what's he going to try and kill him down to this what's he going to try and kill it with have you got a random object spinning okay yes i have brandon who can grab someone from the audience tommy right okay i've just got the queen wakes up

anyone want to uh spin the twindler any uh any people over here come on you're game can i come and have a spin you've been dying to have a spin here we go right grab it grab it by the middle and give it a big gold there we go

what we got 19. 19. uh that is a watermelon so so

i think you could so stephen you would also you could mistake a watermelon maybe she's allergic to watermelon steve knew this and the plan didn't have a fancy there's a lot of pips

one does not like the pips i think he just needs to hit her with it personally i don't know how you feel all right well let's just go with he grabbed his watermelon we'll just we'll just go with the assumption that he's counting he's yeah yeah you know steve yeah he told me i love it oh my god he loves those things he grabbed one of his watermelons yeah he's got a few yeah yeah perfectly acceptable that's quite good i like that on the slopey beach yeah he balls it rolls it down stuffs three fingers in rolls into the watermelon yeah

towards the queen hoping to to box it's not here yeah but it's the undulations of the beach it's gonna it's gonna throw it off the back of linda's legs by mistake yep oh and she's in there she's in the drink

no we're not sorry i might have got confused killing larry killing larry and the queen the queen's got to be dead larry dives in front of the watermelon suddenly remembering that he's been a royalist all along yeah and he'd forgotten he'd forgotten recent events yeah yeah but now it's all coming back he throws himself in front of the watermelon it hits him in the face it hits him in the face it bounces off people think his head has exploded oh but has it he goes down there's splatter everywhere red stuff splashes everywhere linda and uh linda and steve and potty they're like they think sort of harry is dead yeah off they go yeah with dragging the queen about to slaughter her up to their uh there like

it's easy to mistake a splattering head yeah yeah oh yeah in the many

larry gets up dusts himself down yeah says right yeah keeps a few pips in his mouth yes i can't spell silhouettes just so we're not hey there's a shadow just phonetics yeah that's what i'm doing yeah um he dusts himself down and he says to himself right i'm gonna get you now you yeah these steve potted meats lighthouse keeper and you linda he starts to run up the path for them because they all have those sort of spiral paths they do yeah the big finale is going to take place on the lighthouse yeah yeah what was the slogan of his business

i don't remember that yeah oh yeah you'll be

follow the line follow the line and there it is okay that's good yes meanwhile queen's still being pulled up the steps yeah help me she says yeah um and uh so they but they get they get right to the top what are they gonna do with it when they're there well i gotta slaughter her they're gonna slaughter her in obama take the fortune obviously what they're gonna use to slaughter her with well funny you should ask that john how do they have their disposal well what do they have available

22. we'll spin it again what is it john what happens now it's a red robe with herman trim oh the irony

oh my god he was going to use that as to press enter in the embalming for his eyes yes and now he's using it in an ironic way he's been wearing it all along we just didn't of course she was yeah yeah so they take the the robe the chord the chord the chord like i'm imagining like a dressing game yeah i imagine yeah exactly it's like a dressing gown takes the cord off wraps it around the queen's neck just as larry just beginning to tighten it yep linda's got one end steve's got the other nice nice yeah the queen i am the one is dying suddenly the door bursts open larry comes in it's all covered in watermelons is he gonna start singing the national anthem as he gets interested yeah yeah yeah nice stands

um walks in they say not larry stephen and uh linda say but you're dead yeah and he says no i'm not dead that was a watermelon yeah not my head really really the greatest story ever this is where we've ended up just run with it can you can you hear the subtext under some of this writing could he spit the seeds out like a machine cartoon fashion we may as well know yeah we may as well now now he's there it seems idiotic doesn't it or maybe maybe he spits the seeds into the light of the lighthouse making it dark the noise i like that putting out the dark pudding out yeah it turns out bulb explodes as for some reason is really good in the dark why would he be really good in the dark he eats a lot of carrots it's not just watermelons yes we should probably go back and add that at the beginning

as we go yeah

we'll just have to remember to put it in manually okay i've had my carrots lights go out big fight in the dark yeah i feel we need to wrap this up now

they really want a jet pack should we give them a jet pack well i think we need to establish an important part for any story you need to make a decision is it going to be a happy ending right now i just want we just need an ending

never somehow

the queen is looking for a a new husband yes yes

that's fine

she made it very clear probably wasn't her actual son maybe yeah yeah it was complicated in which case he is now here but yeah all right that's just kidding someone else's turn to time now because it's getting a bit complicated for me sit down yeah right so um i know it is hard work i don't like writing uh the the lights have gone out it's the big final so the lights are out the lights are out he's spotting the things he can see in the dark because he likes carrots he's what's he gonna do don't ruin it just read that later just read it back we need to finish it now yeah so he needs to take out larry and linda swinging the queen

god around saying when it's fire wearing hair they're lighthouses with no light i imagine it's quite dangerous in the lighthouse steve out the window and leave steve's body spread yes yeah should we just have him hide him off the top yeah or steve can't see and he stumbles larry just gives him a little push yeah larry pushes them off the top of the lighthouse yeah and linda and steve in an embrace fall down together land on the rocks and that's it hard hard cut to yeah palace of not palace of westminster okay have we gone falling off yet and then we'll have a three weeks later yeah so uh three weeks later it's the royal wedding yeah the mugs have been printed i don't know it should just be that larry's just outside he's just stood outside his shop baskets and caskets yeah and just he's just on the sign he's just put in by royal appointment there we go that's and that's it and i would just leave the rest of the imagination did they didn't they i think that probably uh wraps it up well i think that wraps it up isn't it

yes fortunately we have professional voice-over artist john rand yes well done john can i finish it first no no no no no um finish it on the hoof yeah to read it out and then we can all see the fruits of you seriously just said to like about 30 people just waiting here now could you just give us two minutes yeah yeah just give us two minutes chat amongst yourselves push him off do be silent he just needs silence for his work maybe it needs though whilst john's doing that um we've talked about this before like a log line isn't it it needs a sort of yeah so how would we explain the story in one simple line what's what's how we're going to sell you know when we make the film of this because we'll all get a cut on the poster anyone that suggested something gets double but we need something to sell this to the film studios an incoherent mess two stars not that uh how would you sell it like you know no in space no one can scream yeah um

see the light see the movie see the light yeah a story of a story of

from what is it a story is he as happy as larry happy as larry happy as larry that's yeah i mean that doesn't tell you anything about the story but would it be always part of it doesn't it yeah finished it john finished all right all right let's go go go go without any further ado

the story the greatest story hang on in the history of the world ever in case you've forgotten that's what we were doing tonight it definitely is i mean i've not heard it yet but i think it is i don't know how it could not feel like it felt pretty good yeah okay no holes in the plot or anything so the story's called see the light is that what gonna call it is that what we're going for i like it yeah see the light by john tom dave and a load of people have been drinking

larry microbe woke up at six o'clock sharp as usual and looked around at unfamiliar surroundings it was dead quiet but things didn't feel stable why am i on a barge he thought to himself his heart beat faster what's that panic or just the vodka red bulls kicking in this wasn't caskets and baskets but where the hell was he he had a bottle of formaldehyde waiting for him and bodies going off in his loft in the in the barge at

the first edit's always tricky isn't it that's right it's the first draft suddenly the boat rocked larry sits up and bangs his head on the roof it was a little boat and despite his name he was a big man was that a knock at the door who could it be this is good dave yeah it's really good would you and why was it coming from the inside four i'd give that five minutes if i we i'm not sure what that accident was but i'd give that five minutes if i were you won't do it again though i was trying to improve the second round yeah yeah okay okay okay what what are you doing here croaked larry it's my bloody barge screamed linda trout can't you remember last night larry just looked blank and said uh i'm not sure where am i linda looked out the window i think you mean where are we we're on the bloody sea larry said on the sea i can't be on the sea i need to get back i'll be knee-deep in rying if i don't make it back in the next few hours i can't afford for my business to go under why not ask linda i owe people money the wrong kind of people we didn't really do anything with that story thread it's important though yeah and those bodies they're blooming actual royals what like the queen oh yes yes yes like the queen exactly and others larry got up and made his way out of the narrow door surveying nothing but blue sea in the near distance he saw a rocky outcrop with a lighthouse on top oh my god a lighthouse that means there's land i can get back before my princes turn to minces

how are we going to get back the engine won't have the power to get us across the sea said linda larry ignored her ignored her and tried to start the engine anyway unfortunately it didn't work linda rolled her eyes as she rolled her eyes she noticed the recently deceased royals rotting at the back of the barge they took the ironically named life jackets tied the bodies together and rode them like dolphins or something less majestic to shore stephen potted meat the lighthouse keeper looked out from the veranda of the family lighthouse which also happens to be the premises of the only other undertakers in the town it's a family business that's been making money out of bodies that wash up on shore for generations but now steven wanted to take it more upmarket having heard that the royals have recently died in the vicinity he wants to take the bodies and the glory for himself and all the potted meats larry and linda are surfing towards land not knowing if they will live or join the rigged ranks of the bodies they stand upon somehow linda makes it to the beach larry still gripping firmly to an unspecified royal area stephen comes down to the beach and helps linda taking her hand and kissing it gently it's a bit salty but they're past that now larry is floundering seeing the love of his life wow oh they're really

suddenly the queen wakes up and grabs larry with her royal hand grabbing him slightly enough for him to catch his breath evil steve said i need her dead without her my business is nothing he grabbed one of his watermelons and bowled it towards the crook queen but larry dives in front of the watermelon smashes him in the face

keep going john keep going his head explodes ha ha shout linda and steve dragging the now defenseless queen to their lighthouse lair in the silhouette of the moon larry microbe rises up and says to himself steve potted meat your time is up you'll be following your own light in a minute mate at the top of the steps evil steve grabbed the urban robe from around her taking the cord off and wrapping it around the queen's neck as the door bursts open larry shouting god save the queen but you're dead no i'm not that was just the watermelon he spat out the melon seeds bursting the lighthouse light left us over the only one that could see in the dark because he probably ate carrots a lot and we just forgot to mention that earlier on in the dark larry ran towards the evil pair and in the ensuing confusion steve and linda fell to their doom on the craggy rocks below

several weeks later where he walks out of his newly refurbished funeral directors reaches up and puts the royal appointment sign over the shop ladies and gentlemen thank you thank you thank you so much for coming out it's been lovely wow come on there you go people people mocking us saying it might be the greatest story ever written i think i think it was there wasn't it probably the greatest story we've ever written do you think sometimes things that are best left in your head to remember i don't know i don't know maybe yeah in the candidate did we do that well i really enjoyed doing it at the time and that's the major it was good it was good it was good live and the audience liked it yeah and uh but you have to move on in life don't you you can't just sit around and pat yourself on the back because it's the wonderful things you've achieved in the last week what about next week well uh we have another exciting activity coming up we have another first don't we because we entered the nyc midnight 100 word micro fiction challenge which uh which really was a challenge actually it was probably more of a challenge than we were expecting i think is that fair to say yeah i think it is yeah it was uh yeah it was tough wasn't it particularly considering as it turns out all the judges are idiots so listen next week folks when tom just gets really angry about his feedback

have you calmed down yet it's just if you're gonna make feedback it it's the entire point of the story anyway when you can really get into it tom it's just frustrating joey i don't mind when they say oh that's not a good story i mean it's hard enough isn't it yeah it's hard enough without someone coming along and judging you on your performance i mean which to be fair we did realize would be quite a large element of a competition with judges but you know still yeah that is what you pay for the judgement guys don't judge me lest you be judged yourself indeed so do do have a listen next week guys and see which one of us got through to the next round yeah spoiler alert none of us did uh do remember subscribe follow like review tell friends all that business yep and uh see you next week where you can listen to a slightly

where's everybody gone