Dec. 20, 2021

35: The Failing Writer's Christmas Special Spectacular!


Wrap yourself in tinsel, stuff 12 pigs in blankets in your mouth and get yourself comfortable to listen to this festive treat. In this seasonal spectacular, we proudly present the Failing Writers Podcast Panto (ohhhh yes we do!) and also a journey back through our first season, via some of our favourite songs from the series, in our top ten silly little ditty countdown (with a mystery celebrity DJ presenter!) Enjoy... and MERRY CHRISTMAS!! 

Music by Dano Songs
(And Jon and Tom and Dave)
Transcript

just a quick note before we get started this week uh this episode does contain quite a lot of naughty words so do bear that in mind in case there's any little people listening with you children that is not not elves because as you'll find out later on the elves have got some of the dirtiest language you've ever heard anyway so yeah don't worry about them

welcome to the failing writer's christmas special it's a cracker because once you've opened it you'll be disappointed by what's inside and you're guaranteed crap jokes but you don't get a hat so actually it's worse than the cracker sorry about that

hey everybody welcome to our christmas party

so i heard it unravel thank you yeah i think that was right hey hey tommy hey buddy have you got a drink uh i i've finished my christmas drink and it was only a cup of tea so have you got some beige food not yet spread out on a table on a treasure yeah on a trestle table it's not been properly secured it's party time we're ready all we need is an alcoholic middle-aged santa now yeah we just need to mold something what can we mold well later on dave you're gonna bloody love this segway dave later on we're gonna be mulling over our top 10 tunes that we've had in the podcast i think that might be my favorite segue of the entire series and uh yeah so we've we've put together a top 10 countdown and we've actually managed to rope in a massive name to help us yeah which is yeah ridiculous really one of the nation's foremost djs of of any era of any era i would say specifically the era where we used to sit and uh tape the uh cassette yeah and you have to have it paused with record down you'd have to do it really gently because otherwise you got that sound as you did it you'd be there for four hours and you'd pray that the dj wouldn't talk over the end too always bloody did yeah anyway so we've got that coming up but first the christmas isn't christmas without pantomime time yeah we've actually got a pantomime yep um and i think it's quite a spectacular production it is i think we've built it as a spectacular haven't we so yeah that's what you do on the post isn't it yeah yeah what we've missed out on is getting some sealess celebrity from a tv show no longer watching what we don't have is mr tumble yeah that kind of thing yeah or latisha dean that played sharon in eastenders or harold from neighbours yeah uh no we don't have him any other um we don't have billy pierce but we have got oz we have and we have got panther yeah what dave has written yeah which i think is actually one of the best things he's ever created it's probably the best i absolutely remember the best thing right you know what i said about the panto i've done that i just like i've just literally just tossed this off yeah just [ __ ] it out it's it's terrible but we'll need to change it and both me and john read it and went it's pretty good dash what do you mean change what we're changing here like what's the that's done yeah oh this is it this is not only is it our christmas panto this is the pinnacle the zenith of my writing career right here so yeah stay tuned for that don't have to stay tuned too long dave because this is literally it's literally about to start yes stay tuned until now ladies and gentlemen please take your seats the performance of tonight's pantomime is about to begin the failing writers podcast kindly presents the elves and the scriptwriters

it's christmas eve one day of reprieve before the house turns into hamley stuffed with and too much family was it and have a tv session be forced to watch strictly christmas special auntie's clapping granddad snapping mums on the knees last minute rapping it's eve there's a plan up santa's sleeve we'll watch him on the norad tracker borrow booger must be knackered there's a hype but they've changed their list auntie singing mum is pissed dad's putting out old santa's whiskey hanging mistletoe cause he's feeling frisky it's christmas eve we forgot our uncle steve we were gonna send him a woolly hat never mind he's a bit of a [ __ ] kids are finally not in their heads thank god we can go to bed dad leans in finally gets his kiss now turn off the tree lights that are fire risk

it's christmas eve i'm starting to believe that this might be the greatest moment just pray we don't get the latest variant of kovy

once upon a time there lived an old man and an old woman like really old like with big elephant ears and hairs growing from really distracting places old and yet despite living in the world's sixth largest economy they were really poor why well partly due to an intrinsically unfair social care system and partly because they were scriptwriters and as we all know scriptwriters don't get paid nearly enough hey if we don't sell a script soon said the old woman we probably won't survive the winter maybe we could use some sort of application that utilizes you know artificial intelligence to come up with some ideas for us well i thought of that but unfortunately machine learning is still a good 150 years off we need something now but with no ideas forthcoming and their last lump of coal crumbling to ash on the fire they decided to go to bed yeah maybe something will come to his at night the old man muttered what like flatulence oh yeah my wandering hands let's solve and then we can write up a treatment in morning he laid his lucky pen down on the writing desk next to their very last sheet of paper and off they went to sleep the next morning the script writers woke early well it was bin day and there was made such a racket collecting the recycling from that alky couple next door they went to the front room and to their surprise they saw that the sheet of paper had been covered with line after line of the cutest smallest neatest little handwriting they ever did see what does it say love i've not got me readers i don't believe it it's it's a treatment for a bloody hollywood blockbuster hey and it's pretty good at least the break into act two happens on exactly page 25 which is a very good sign apparently just then the little bell at the front of the shop yeah it's a script shop just go with it rang out and a rich looking gentleman entered good day to you i have a highfalutin meeting this morning with a bunch of movie executives and i desperately need a script a real wham damn and ding-dong blockbuster if you have one oh i'm afraid we're fresh out what's that in your hand oh this said the old man it's a treatment let me see that the rude young gentleman snatched up the paper and started to read it you know what this isn't bad the writing's a little small but the concept is big i'll take it he flipped the script right to a gold coin and strode from the room calling if they like the treatment i'll be back tomorrow for some pages the scriptwriters couldn't believe their luck the old man instantly rushed out and bought two sheets of paper the old woman said she'd prefer a ham sandwich or maybe an electric blanket oh what i preferred a ham sandwich or an electric blanket but this was the olden days and women didn't really count back then just as before the old man laid the fresh sheets of paper on the writing desk and off they went to bed technically it was still the morning but let's just keep the pace going shall we the next day both sheets of paper were once again filled with rows and rows of cute little handwriting they were overjoyed are you sure you're not having me on did you write this you did get up a lot at night the old woman asked we went to bed at half 10 in morning i'm an old man if i didn't get up we'd both be swimming in piss just then the dear little bell tinkled once more and in-stroke the rude young man hey guys good news they loved it we've got a real hit on our hands there's even talk of getting matt damon on board or if we don't have the budget i know a guy who kind of looks like him now where are those pages the young man greedily snatched up the pages and squinted at the words christ the writing's even smaller than before i can barely read it still i'm sure it's amazing keep them coming i'll be back tomorrow he flipped two gold coins onto the shop floor and skipped off down the road the old woman with some difficulty picked up the coins and handed them to her husband i really hate that guy makes me glad we never had kids oh i hear that i hear that now this time will you please get us something to eat i'm chuffing starving the old man took the coins and hurried off to the shops he returned a few minutes later with three sheets of paper and a handful of beans now the man said if we plant these they'll grow a magical beanstalk

oh delicious said the old woman oh bloody hell right uh well we best go to bed then hey the old man laid the three fresh white sheets of paper on the desk and started up the stairs hang on the old woman stopped him don't you want to know who's been writing these uh scripts for us not not really no but as long as they keep doing it who cares oh don't be such a misery gutsy old bastard come on let's hide and so the two old codgers hid themselves behind a pile of dusty baftas at the back of the room well there were scottish baftas so you know really not very hard to win anyway they stood there waiting for hours until eventually at midnight the door opened just a crack and in jumped three tiny elves all dressed in rags right chaps you got any good ideas yeah uh oh i've got some i've got some bloody brilliant ideas

19th century romantic poets who turn into zombies oh gosh it does come on no no no not far-fetched enough all right yeah okay drink bigger um yeah okay they need to be riding horses don't they that's more like it yeah yeah horses spearships all right there you go horses and spaceships that's what we're gonna do with ostrich feather umbrellas who's this champion where are you from where are you from i'm a scottish shelf

i thought so i thought so when he when he started speaking like that i thought yeah there you go he just cut yourself to the old buggers amazement the elves sat down on the desk picked up the pen and started writing woohoo right it's writing time yeah let's get some ideas down oh hang on hang on a minute all my rags are riding up oh dear let me just pull that there you go you just can't get rags that fit properly these days spaceships explosions who's your favorite romantic poet bungle bungalow rainbow bungal right yeah was writing a poem on a spaceship just write this down oh my god it's flowing now isn't it yeah this is how it goes this is great stuff this is good this is good then oh george was dressed up as barbarella yeah on a spaceship riding horses that's about to explode get ready get right in yes bye morning the three sheets were filled with more tiny little writing the rude young man arrived paid three gold coins for the pages and the old man bought four sheets of paper and then five and then six and so on and so on you get the idea until at last after however many days it would take to reach 120 pages you work it out the old couple watched from the wings as the three little elf writers finally reached the end of the script oh that's good that is good that is an award winner nice i really wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute we haven't finished yet there's something we've forgotten to do the end there we go that's it perfect you don't think that big explosion at the end was too much to you no because the big explosion just before that kind of preempted it didn't it kind of laid out the groundwork for it yeah you're right you're right yeah yeah yeah we can't have it being a dream every time this time somebody's got to blow up good point this is going to make us rich this is the i think this is the best thing that anybody's ever written let's have a little hug

sorry knowing it was finally over the old pair came out to give their thanks oh you lovely little sexy elves you have saved us from ruin how can we ever thank you well i was thinking it would be really nice if um first of all i'd like some new threads because i'm pretty certain these rags have got fleas in them and uh i've been scratching like a bastard for weeks so what i would like is um a gold lame suit yeah some fresh crepes beautiful do you know what i've always wanted a tattoo on my bum what claire balding's face on my left cheek you did say anything what about you i would like a house made out of tumbler on please and a horse called george hang on a minute would that be a house made out of lots of sticks of toblerone or would it be a giant triangle of toblerone hollowed out into a house yes i think it matters structurally speaking which one you go for isn't it it does one's going to last longer than the other all right well i don't think the gold lame suit is enough now um i'd also like uh some sort of mode of transport so that i can drive around you know one of them cars it bounces up and down on the suspension like in them rap videos i wouldn't mind one of them but um but also with a number of different cup holders oh yeah can i get it can i can i get a jet ski as well please thank you if he's getting a jet ski i want jets as well i want a jet pack um yeah slightly odd requests said the old woman but no matter as soon as we receive our final payment we shall get your hearts desire now piss off and come back tomorrow the little elves skipped off happily and just in time for at that moment the young man returned for the final pages right he said as he handed over a bag full of gold coins this is it folks the big moment to be honest with you the writing has been getting so small i haven't even read it yet but i've got someone with a microscope who's gonna transcribe it for us we got the big meeting tonight and tomorrow all being well we'll get the green light as he left the old man and the old woman took a moment of somber reflection you know i was thinking we should take this money and place it in an ice so it can give us a steady stream of income to help us through our twilight years yeah i mean yeah we could do that or we could go down casino blow it all in a blaze of glory

richard bloody tells ya bloody bloody rich let's go the next morning the old couple awoke on the shop floor with terrible hangovers the three little elves were laying there with them they'd arrived at midnight as usual to find the party in full swing and decided to join in oh my god what the bloody how did i drink last night with the bleaching that was bloody awesome how did that get in there oh i don't bear thinking about it i can't feel my legs now with heads that felt like they were going to explode and mouths that tasted of wrong they tidied up the empty champagne bottles and said goodbye to the last of the strippers bye kiki bye sally may bye-bye barry catch you later pet just then the doorbell tinkled and in strode the rude young man wearing a face of thunder this script is [ __ ] he said brandishing the script it doesn't make any sense there's absolutely no follow-up about the poor old woman who gets run over in the first act and seriously why did the girl have no teeth was it some kind of disease that made people's teeth fall out or what no explanation whatsoever who the hell wrote this crap the elves pointed at the old couple who looked utterly gobsmacked

well it's the worst pile of garbage i've ever seen i was laughed out of the meeting i'll probably never work in hollywood again i demand my money back um well uh it's uh it's all gone said the old man oh dear and we've got a bit of a problem haven't we you crusty oh and so with the script writing shop sold to pay for their debts the old couple were forced to move in with the elves in their tiny little shack i can't bloody believe you screwed us over like this i mean who's the bloody hell are you anyway oh this is the funny but isn't it because did we not tell you didn't i say it do not say said the elves no no you're chuffed well didn't oh you're not going to believe this we're the failing writers pleased to meet you

merry christmas

well that was pantomime so i guess you could say it's behind us yes no because it's because it's happened so it's got so that's it's like because that's what they're saying do you know what we did forget to do though in the pantomime what would we forget we forgot to throw out metaphorical sweets yeah we didn't get anyone up on stage either well that's the true art of sitting in a pantomime audience isn't it being far enough forward that you are within reach of the average pantomime actor's throat yeah sweets but not being too far forward that you're either gonna get pulled up on stage or the bit where sometimes where they come running out into the audience and climbing over the seats because it's funny when it's not it's funny when it's not you isn't it when it's you and you can't really do it you're not allowed to hit it for anything that is frowned upon i think post post you tree i don't think they do that as often anymore do they it's probably true yeah right less climbing kids still let's not let's not dwell on the things that we didn't put in the pantomime and instead focus on the things that we did put in there um

yeah all right or we could just move on

what else have we got because we did say this was a spectacular spectacular and then just do one thing so what else is it too late to call it something else it is can you slip on in front of that just without people noticing suspect quietly christmas one spectacular just do it like that i think i think we go over there yeah well okay what else have we got coming up on this thoroughly average show well literally one more thing like we said at start dave oh yeah we've got our uh because you know we do the silly ditties john stein at early doors in the podcast and i thought it'd be a good idea for the end of the year to have a top 10 countdown now the brilliant thing about this is that i've just arbitrarily chosen them like some kind of music fascist and you two genuinely don't have an idea what's coming up no it's true it's funny all the ones i did have

this is mark goodier and you're listening to the top 10 ditty countdown countdown

on the failing writers podcast number 10. here's omj ryan right about them people dying or spying or lying or trying to solve another crying you take a page that fills up with thrills that's his skill he make up a killer who kills for the thrills and phillips will grill all the villains until ryan been making millions of bills

i think that was the first one wasn't it that's why it got in there yeah the quality was quite low but it was the it was the canada the first one has set that what began i remember being quite excited when that was first i remember where i was when i first heard that song uh oh was very excited when that was first released that was a nice surprise john really and i think uh it took her in by surprise as well didn't do that he was very pleased wasn't it his own little theme tune yeah yeah i think we might have sent him a copy so that now every time he walks into the room he plays on yeah

i'm the delta 5000 writing machine manufactured in korea click the big red button here on my screen and your novel will appear

i'm pre-loaded with a phd in your weird human psychology don't be scared i'm not here to take over

i'll just have your house your kids your wife your brain and maybe your skoda

see i really like that one that's one of my favorites and i really like the ending but that was the one that uh i put to the little animation the computer animation that we had at um failing writers logo thing yeah uh i should have been quite excited about it and it was a very interesting um element to that those couple of podcasts wasn't it as well the whole um ai thing i thought was fascinating yeah fascinating yes oh that's yes because we um we watched that movie didn't we all listen to that movie the the one that was written yeah it was incredible wasn't it yeah and it was incredibly bad but it was incredible like the way that it was put together i think it's getting a lot better though isn't it like noticeably better and i think that was only a couple of years old that's the yeah

then i got the socks and put all the red socks with red and blue socks with the blue

i didn't write because i had to pick up kids from the school

it's okay though cause their mic is not some other person's kiss so it's all cool when i got back home i wrote a bit but like always it didn't last i got distracted by my phone checking out the stats about the bloody podcast

oh that's a classic brings by the memories remember the stupid video see that never actually appeared on the podcast did it it never no that was that was a twitter one wasn't it like a purely promotional sort of thing

oh this is it now once we get a video out there because people are into videos then the numbers are just go through the roof and i think about seven people have ever seen that video there we go we brought that to a few more people yeah so if you haven't seen that it's worth checking out we should post that again if you remember yeah they're all they're all on our uh or that is on our youtube channel which we yeah oh yeah we never talk about i forget we have a youtube channel

it's only dave who's ever seen it because he loads all the videos on it

so dave's catchphrase did you like it well how do i put this we all love a catchphrase a good old-fashioned catchphrase a funny little calling card that everyone holds dear a few little words we all want to hear who couldn't love god simpsons eat my shots man or the chuckle brothers to me to you we are a fan and if you're old enough you'll know step 2 was indeed a dirty old man mr humphries from all you being served was always free you'd always get it nice to see you to see you nice for mo bruce but when they heard dave's catchphrase i'm afraid the feedback was not all that victor meldrup doesn't believe it baldrick has no cunning fan and arnie most certainly won't be back such wonderful phrases you'd say i'm never tired of hearing that so what a shame they've chose how do you like it because well it's just a little bit crap well that's one of my favorites that one yeah as well halcyon dares of dave's emerging catchphrase when that happened that was wonderful wonderful there's two things that strike me about that is that i think that's probably the first time i ever heard you sing tom really just quite easy yeah what a voice you've you've been hiding on it is quite moving it's upsetting that because i think that's probably about the third one though maybe previous one context my memory is not what it once was uh but the other thing i like about it is just it's just the fact that your inability to do impressions didn't hold you back in any way no it didn't at all you just didn't i went for it all very much hung around the uh step towards an impression being barely passable you don't really get an opportunity to do that these days no generally before my time really well do you remember when we used to get uh when we all used to work uh in radio and you used to get um demo cds from voiceovers and there were loads of people that who described themselves as the man of a thousand voices yeah get a cd never a thousand impressions they'd not be exactly the same i always used to admire the confidence of people who just go yeah i can do impressions and send send recordings of them doing thousand variations of their own voice

and just go yeah i'll do this for a living sending them out amazing brilliant yeah yeah because there are people who can do accents like i can do a few actions not particularly that's mildly useful isn't it it is quite useful impression a proper impersonation is an incredibly hard thing to pull off and generally useless in local radioactivity yeah yeah it's now no no unless you want to get a suit i say if you're too good at it you can't do it because it sounds too much like the person if you're not good enough at it then what's the problem no one wants to hear ooh betty anymore so i mean that that was the reason i i sang it like that was so good yeah

about how you vanish the demons who cause malice in the palace of yours she's telling us how to be a bit more studious how not to get whiny and moody if richard and judy don't come knocking every

i think lyrically john that's one of your uh one of your one of your finest i think there's some good little thanks guys good little uh it fitted in really well with what we did as well not that normally they're just random john

but it fitted in really well with just when i heard it the first time i remember emailing back that is just spot that is like you've captured the whole thing in the style and everything yeah i think i might have had covered when i did that as well and for some reason the uh slight nasalness of it really did didn't it yeah and i like i like the multiple layers of using your voice as an instrument

[ __ ] nugget donkey bollocks big baggages twenty little [ __ ] [ __ ] womble bastard wanker [ __ ] of the north penis breath eat my schlong if you're offended by these words please don't listen to this song oh uh i should probably have i should have said that at the beginning shouldn't i oh sugar lumps oh that's what i tell me you didn't enjoy writing that one down i loved doing that i absolutely loved doing what a fantastic excuse just to be like a 12 year old school boy yeah and there were some words in it that i hadn't said for ages and uh yeah yeah ah [ __ ] womble brilliant i really enjoyed putting that one together did i did i do the music for that i've you did yes you did i believe dave dedicated the song to you in its entirety john

if you listen carefully i think you get a mention in there somewhere yeah i think you're right you're right number four number four spoiler alert spoiler alert spoiler alert spoiler alert spoiler alert spoiler alert spoiler alert spoiler alert don't listen to this if spoilers make you mad like you don't want to know that vader is luke's dad like you don't wanna know it bruce willis is really dead and rose but is the name of cain's childhood that body in the room is actually jigsaw a silly man shouldn't have cut his leg off at all in chinatown evelyn's sister is a daughter

as his mother because her body's in the loft the bloke with the limp is really kind of sozo the good place is the bad place that's a cunning little ruse miguel's great granddad's not ernesto de la cruz robbie and cecilia died during the war boy that's his daughter what's he do that for but there's only one way i can finish this song those damn dirty eggs are on earth all along dirty apes are on earth all along spoiler alert spoiler alert spoiler alert spoiler alert spoiler oh that was jay that was fantastic that one yeah that is just the lyrical deck he might have been the only one of us that went in to do a two versa maybe yeah

so good to listen to it one of the i love ones like that um a bit like the catchphrase ones i did where it's got that kind of lead you along so you're identifying stuff as you go through and what have you and that one particularly because you've got to kind of join the dots yourself yeah but that was another one but we've got a video for if you check out our youtube channel and i really enjoyed putting the videos together well what was really great about it right i spent i spent ages like i put the song together and i spent ages putting the video together and then uh i remember we released it as like a little quiz to say oh how many of these yeah your name no one did no one actually did the quiz to say how many but but lots of people people enjoyed it and mark boardman

but mark boardman came and said oh i've noticed they've spelt spoiler wrong and i said at the time yeah there's a deliberate mistake it wasn't i hadn't noticed that at all and like the word spoiler flashes up in the video loads and i'd i'd spell it would you spoiler alert spoiler alert i did once i got the l and the eye the wrong

when mark said oh i've noticed a mistake yeah you call you got me that's the kind of attention to detail that we pride ourselves on isn't it it really is that's the last six months have just been a lesson in absolute perfectionism really yeah yep all our listeners have agreed

number three three i'm sure

a reoccurring theme i think that made it up so high in the charts not necessarily for the quality of the song but for the uh the reoccurring theme of being able to be able to actually say goodbye in english yeah actually finish anything but that that's another one that that suited the style of the song the way it was done really suited that episode yeah the bounciness and the energy of it yeah definitely yeah yeah no i really enjoyed it probably the most words that we got into that wasn't it quite possibly when queen finally stopped talking

when you look into my brain you will find a lot of tiny little guys all inside they are the guys who are controlling my mind you probably have some too they're pressing buttons and controlling my ideas they make me eat too much they let me drink beers they make me facebook let me go to ikeas but sometimes they go wild though oh the elves are back i love that one i love that that one made me laugh out loud on it i can't figure out what the [ __ ] elves are saying but uh i love it absolutely love it i love the concept behind that john what a lovely concept that's nice that you managed to work into it yeah isn't that wasn't that the one when you had car are you right it was yeah you can hear it in the voice actually for now at the end that seems to be yeah right it does seem a little bit like a fever dream that one doesn't matter i think i remember when i sent it to you tom saying i have no idea what is going on today but yeah just you know what do you think of this well i've still got the email actually what you think you said that all you actually said was

i think musically that's one of my favorite ones i like that i deserved number two but that leaves the question what and what could be better than that no number one one one one one

ladies and gentlemen and guns and helicopters and aston martines

and girls who are highly trained at not exposing their naked breasts to the camera and more guns and stuff and men in trunks looking back because 27 bond films clearly aren't enough this is for the next one golden spies will never die with love

what a way to end master do you know what that's so good it's so good because it's very well observed i think very well observed and it's the only one that's had to have a a definitive sound of something that had to sound like a bond yeah see what you mean yeah just think like any older others go off whatever we felt like are you saying that you're saying that i achieved you did you think you did yeah there's another two reasons why that's at number one the other reason is probably the best line out of maybe any of the songs we've done um aston martin yes that's that condensed you can't condense bond into a smaller package than aston martin beautiful isn't it and the other reason is now that's an official number one mark goodyear said it's number one

number one isn't it now that that is your way into barber broccoli in the morning get that in the bond film you've got you mean when you've got something to put next to it they said well goodyear said mark goodyear it's been voted number one by the way this oh happy memories there uh but that was great i think that was i i think we should retract what we said earlier and say that was spectacular it probably was in the end wasn't it i think within the context of the rest of the stuff we've done in the last six months it probably yeah it holds it yeah yeah it's fine comparatively we dragged it back into the right territory didn't we and that was partly due to mark goodyear thank you mark thanks so much i suspect you're not listening to this but if you are we're really really grateful that was very simple that's one of the safest bets anyone will like i like over his christmas spirit i like to think that bruno brooks is listening to this hi bruno listen to this right now catch up hi pat how are you doing and they're going how the hell did he get that gig how has he got that gig they're all rubbing them always mark good year for the countdowns one of the oscars tough look lads next year you want to be on next season but we can't guarantee anything yeah get in line mark's in now and he's in with us yeah so yeah but that that was spectacular but like you rightly say tom uh we yeah we're not gonna say we're not there are we we've got so much stuff for the end of season spectacular that we've had to put it into two separate episodes so all these people getting back into interview that we were meant to just be talking to for two minutes it was kind of the idea yeah and then yeah that's not really happened that way yeah they're a bit longer so we decided to split it into two double the enjoyment for new year's because there's nothing you don't people will be off work they'll be sick of their families yeah better for christmas as soon as it's gone past christmas it's all a bit like ugh two episodes is a blessing excuse to get out the house walk the dog have a listen and i think all of the best christmas specials are two-part affairs aren't they so bring them on bring them on but um do you know what i'd like a christmas present this year christmas is almost upon us and what i'd like for christmas is a little review i know we say it all the time we've had some we have had some lovely reviews but just one more if you're thinking what can i do for someone in need this christmas give us a little review it's gotten very charity i mean there are there are more charitable things you could do this christmas but well this won't this won't cost you anything we're not asking for two pounds a month are you saying that dave now you said that out loud we could send you pictures of how we have how we're getting on yeah send us two pound a month and we'll give you a picture you could adopt us do you want to adopt us

failing to write pay him and he'll stop writing yeah what an offer that is about you guys i'm feeling that the episode ended a little while ago this is probably going to be the bit at the end it's got it's got that bit after the music feel to it yeah well anyway i think all that remains to do long goodbye when we've already kind of said goodbye but he's gonna pop back in oh this is really all around this is important isn't it because we need to say guys i'm literally like halfway out the door now um it's been great i'll see you later guys i'll finish my dream just gonna stay merry christmas you're miserable swines merry merry christmas and uh and a happy new year thanks for listening love you all

40 years in the business and i'm reading out numbers on the failing writers podcast

everybody gone