May 17, 2021

4: Aural Sex


Well, here it is. The episode literally no-one has been waiting for. Packed to the brim with smut and naughtiness, with a few rib-ticklers thrown in for your enhanced pleasure. Plus some very high quality chat about our worst jobs ever. Enjoy! (Well, try to enjoy it... or just lie back and think of England, it's up to you). 

Music by DanoSongs
Transcript

the following podcast contains scenes of a very sexy nature naughty words and workplace violence and should not be listened to by those who are easily offended underaged or easily aroused

hello bonjour bienvenue to episode four of the failing writers podcast we're just three mostly ordinary guys who keep trying to write and with varying degrees of success or lack of success this week there's a little bit of this fetch a physician he cried giving the right reverend sticklefinger and uncommonly hard and prolonged banging quite a lot of this

and this so he let go of my head which went smack on the dance floor and that's what knocked me out apparently it's definitely one of the highlights but despite that do keep listening yeah anyone written anything legitimate or podcast wise uh no legit we've all obviously written a little bit of porn oh should we do you reckon we should should we start with that do you think because i haven't written anything else no i have to say i'm in the same position where it's funny um did you remember on the last podcast where i'd written something and i was slightly euphoric yep feeling a burning passion inside me yeah but get it on the page and then um then this happened so are you gonna get back to it today no probably leave it a few weeks so actually as it turns out that little bit of jesting about there that kind of that kind of came through uh yeah one way or another i'm sure there's a good reason for it tom just a bit of laziness a bit of kids kids around and stuff kids do get in the way of a lot of things don't they yeah writing is just one of the many things they get in the way but i've got back on it and i've done some um editing oh good yeah little sales book that's good how many words is it now and then massively depress myself by um reading about publishing and self-publishing and ended up on some writing forums and different things in my view that's all useful maybe did it look did it look difficult i mean just so many people out there giving advice yeah that's the same same with everything some qualified someone qualified some and then i was on this forum and people posting these uh questions about their writing like can i do such can i use er you know what you like um can i put that in dialogue why are you asking just either do or don't and then there's people answering without really like no absolutely not you think well you can sometimes we don't want all of you yeah but you can use it as a device it demonstrates a pause for thought or an unsureness or whatever it is you can do it yes of course you can blah blah blah no you can't how can you have strong opinions on this and no one can say without knowing the context of your entire book to uh is dinosaur though as we've already learned so indeed important lesson obviously being annoyed at that i would continue to read various other threads with the same kind of things oh dear oh it's just it just it just depresses me and boils my head it really does it just you can't really you can't go down the rabbit hole it is a rabbit hole that's exactly it's like uh yeah it's just it's not good yeah don't don't drill into these things just awful just people there's something about being online as well that makes people very certain yes because there's no comeback yeah it's like nuance goes out the window you're not allowed to have a give a complex nuanced response to anything you've got to do absolutely that was it it was just he's an angry a little bit angry intermingled with that is people posting um i've had a really good idea for a book i want to get someone to write it and then people are saying well can you do it yourself perhaps yeah or write it yourself there's another idea well they're doing it in a sort of um oh there's an idea you can have this idea i love those ones so i've had this idea for a zombie thriller um and the zombies are kind of half human half plant and it's set in swindon that's about as far as i've got but i think it's a good night anyone that wants that take it and uh he can have it i won't even ask for money when he gets turned into a film jeremy you can just go with it just go with it it's yours i always get that i used to get that from the fam my family always be like okay you can put that can put that in one of your sketches put that in one of your silly little plays and then there we go yeah but it's not funny and they go oh yeah we've seen your work we've seen that scottish one you did yeah 40 seconds enough oh no punch line it's just just people pissing everywhere oh anyway so that's what i did i went down the rabbit hole of trying to find out things about publishing and self-publishing and other things and it's an interesting area because i know a few people that have uh done self-publishing and done quite well out of it and obviously quite a few haven't but um mr ryan who we've been talking about he started off yeah uh he did self-publishing i'm not i'm not after doing well out of it dave that's the thing i just want to do it easy without like this just seems so many different hoops to jump through for and and you can't quite tell who's trying to con you out of this and there's oh well everyone's if you everyone's trying to con you aren't they but yeah i suppose what you want if you just want to have a book that you can stick on your own coffee table then yeah i don't think there's anything wrong with self-publishing is i think it used to be a bit of a dirty word and looked down at you right i think it's a very legit way of getting

i know two people who've done self-published books one owen who's gone on from that to get like a book deal and another guy who has refused to do a book deal and is wants to keep going down the self-publishing route because it's done him so well so far why didn't he keep total control over everything he does and he's yeah i think there is something about that isn't there not having to yeah because that's part of the process of finding a publisher or an agent isn't it whatever is is the they get to analyze your work to see whether they think it's worth it and obviously you do think it's worth it because that's where you've got to after your 18th draft of it and it's finished finished yeah if you can show you've got readers already that's a bit of a no-brainer really isn't it that's that's the other thing isn't it it's it yeah it means that publishers don't have to take such a shot in the dark if they already know that people are like you have to write more than one book yeah that means you just do multiple writings sequel silly silly little getting the phone call from the publisher we've seen how well you've been doing on this self-published uh-huh i have i have we'd like to offer you a massive contract brilliant cool for another book what for another book do you know how long come on that was my 30s and 40s i haven't got any other ideas give me a second i'm going to jump on this forum and see what right i've no i've got this idea uh it's these zombies um and they're half zombie half plan yeah no it's a good idea isn't it it is it is yeah i've already done 70 000 words i don't have to do any more i've been looking a lot at that recently because i've i've been trying to keep going with the book but like with you know kids getting in the way and all that's been hard but i'm up to 40 000 words on the um on the war spooky war book um and i've i must have googled at least 10 times how many words do you need to have in a novel just in case it's come down exactly this time with still things 18 100 000 come on say stop i'll do but yeah how many had your dad written i don't know actually that's a good his dad had just left him a note on the on the fridge in the kitchen saying i've had this good idea for a book zombie soldiers

offset in 1989. in swindon it's all yours don't worry about the film right you can have them i think it was it's 200 in pages so i don't know yeah well obviously i'm on about 150 pages and it's 40 000 words so that probably is about 40 000 something like that i reckon i reckon if i get to 70 that will depends how big the pages are uh now it's a page of a1 no page of a4 yeah just i'm doing it writing on the side of a bus shelter i found um i like how to how to format a microsoft word document into like a book thing well that's kind of i'm using that yeah um so yes a4 pages 40 000 words 150 odd think pages something like that right it's funny though because you get some like big thick thrillers and you think oh that's going to take me a little yeah it's a massive massive one you open it up and there's a there's about 40 words on each page really big writing and right in the middle of the page you know in loads of white space around the edge yeah so it sort of does depend how it's formatted doesn't it but apparently the wizard of oz the wizard of oz was less than 40 000 words well and they they did all right for themselves was it a kids book i don't know i don't think i don't think it was there's a few old um modern classics aren't they they're quite short do you like that sort of that 34 000. yeah great gatsby that's quite yeah the great gatsby was one of them wasn't it that's kind of a in the 40 thousands but then that means you have to write a book that's going to be treasured by generations to come really for that kind of that's the balance isn't it yeah so if you want to save time dave just do do a better job of writing it make it into a classic just do a either write a classic and keep it short or do a load of words they're just rubbish uh you just take them out that easy right yeah that's a good you know what write it write a long book and then take all the bad words out and leave the good words in there you go yeah that's the formula i can't believe he's taking us to the fourth podcast to invent editing in the hope that people are listening to this trying to learn something or connect on our level or think yeah yeah those guys yeah they're like me no they're not we can edit we can edit it down we can edit this down to one episode from the inside if people haven't worked there we haven't got a clue by now no i mean obviously that's part of our charm isn't it it's part of our shtick yeah but how about you john have you have you written anything how have you coped with having children uh i haven't really haven't managed to write anything apart from our little erotica bits well well then that sounds like time well i think so we're not working with friends you know trying to prise the kids away from a screen for a few moments and admin things like that yeah um so you know well well spent time but not writing unfortunately i suppose we should we probably should move on to the erotica shall we um how did you find it boys i found an interesting thing uh immediately i suddenly with uh presented with a an empty page in front of me realized that i've never actually read any erotica so i had absolutely no idea what to parody if you know what i mean you know i'm not sure i have either really actually maybe that's a maybe that's an advantage no yeah dear's very quiet on this what's your favorite erotica i don't haven't i haven't i don't read any of those those aren't really considered books to be honest they're different look if you can leave through the pages with one hand then that's all that matters in there but what really helped me was when you two said that you'd both done 550 words then i was like right now i know how much i've got to do mine got a bit with mine it kind of turned into a story what uh my mind's definitely got a story to it as well i tried just to be i started with a ridiculous premise and then it just kind of worked its way into some kind of narrative of some sort well that's nice i mean my wife read it last night and how did that turn last week dave we were saying now you're expecting another baby last week how when you write things like erotica it can be a bit of a window into your life into your soul it can be very very close to home can't it yeah yeah revealing very revealing yeah exactly yes yeah she laughed in all the right places and was glad when it was finished

well let's see then let's hear it let's hear it and see what it reveals about you tom it's time to get dirty very very dirty maybe even hurting it's time for the hardcore

i haven't given a title i don't think i don't think it needs one untitled this is such a new genre i think you need a title you also need uh you need a nom de plume as well oh you're uh um longs charlotte i'm charlton longstep that's right um yeah well you two think of your nom de plumes all right okay well i treat you to 554 words

he remembered the first time they had laid together he was 23 and she she never told him

wrong so wrong right start again but next time i'm gonna lose it because i can't i'm just seeing the words here yeah okay

he remembered the first time they had laid together he was 23 and she she never told him her age but even before tracing out the lines of bulging veiny contours of her thighs and running his hand through a thinning wispy white hair he was very aware of the age difference it wouldn't be true to say that the gap in their years had never bothered him but he was in this for the long term sure there were obstacles that came with the age difference but when they were together she felt the years faded into nothing and simply lived in the moment a moment which he knew could always be one of her last he remembered the first time they had made love three years ago as they laid there on the picnic blanket in that deserted field the rich summer sun beating down on their naked flesh he like howard carter breaking the seal on tutankhamun's tomb had gently placed his hands on the inside of her knees encouraging her legs apart to reveal the treasure that had been hidden for years a moist oasis springing from the menopausal desert of alliance

his mind was turned back to the present as she lent over his reclined naked body her frail but determined hand falling willingly down his young firm body before gently taking his meaty man in her soft wrinkled hands

he could feel the excitement fill his mind and the blood fill his penis and so could she not even letting her relatively severe arthritis

not even letting her relatively severe arthritis lessen her firm grip on his now fully erect member she stroked him up and down faster and faster firmer and firmer before whispering for him to enter into an ancient palace of delight they didn't need to worry about protection her fertility had receded into the past around the same time the berlin wall came down and so he mounted her his muscular young arms flexed and stretched totally either side of her bony shoulders as he positioned himself gently at her entrance before thrusting firmly into her she could feel him spreading her wide she could feel him filling her with youth she could feeling stripping away the ears whereas moments ago she had groaned with the mild discomfort of hoisting her elderly frame onto the bed she now moaned with pure pleasure with climactic spasms of such enthusiastic primal force that would have certainly concerned any onlookers to their carnal act as to the safety and survivability of his partner underneath him had there been any such witnesses he finished spent satisfied and although he would never admit it you have to think on some subconscious level slightly disgusted with himself as they lay there she glowed in the moment past through her scaly cataract eyes she looked adoringly at him and gave him the biggest loving smile but not before she had reached over to the bedside table and popped the dentures back in and not before he had chance to think of how he was one step closer to being named the sole beneficiary to her substantially state

yeah yeah that was a twist wasn't it it was quite sweet up until then wasn't it wow there we go we got to the end wasn't it it was amazing that was amazing what a bastard but you know she's she's happy so i'm gonna probably just send that straight to radio 4 i think yeah what the recording of you reading yeah

thought for the day i imagine that she's gonna live forever out of spite just keep on going get more and more rampant imagine that imagine what that's a what what a story that would be if you you got together with someone thinking if i stick this out for a year you know then i'll get the inheritance and then they live for another 30 years i mean in that story she don't die until they're 110. she's uh she's pretending she's got some terrible illness isn't it yeah yes she's just keep she's just gonna keep going yeah what a twist well that was that was lovely it's good tom it was yeah it's quite raunchy as well wasn't it there's some familiar words there's some we should i think we could do like a bingo like an erotica bingo of the words that turn up in each of our pieces i love tootin commons too it was a lovely touch and actually it was it was genuinely moving for a while and then it was like snatched away it was it was really quite harsh i want to hear more i want to know more of this tale already yeah yeah how did they meet you know i might have to finish that one tommy turns out she's been dead for 18 months now so there you go yeah you bloody girl charlton charlton long stuff uh do you want to go next john no you go man you go all right okay so this is one night only by harvey sheath

veronica dropped her right shoulder and shrugged it clear of the wine-colored satin robe exposing the first tantalising glimpse of her smooth tanned flesh the other shoulder followed suit and she slowly enticingly let the fine lace garment glide to the floor michael gasped at the site of the push-up chemise and thigh-high silk stockings that left just enough to his overactive imagination switch eating on she whispered softly through bright red lips he's [ __ ] freezing in here michael rushed to get up but his engorged member had left the blood supply to his head dangerously low making him instantly dizzy this combined with the fact he already had his poseidon fetish thong down around his ankles caused him to stumble knocking the thermostat from the wall it smashed against the floor sending the batteries tumbling through a gap in the reclaimed timber floorboards oh i need to get me handle a new set of double a's now veronica side i was thinking the same thing myself darling michael grunted as he stared at his lover's nightly-esque knockers undeterred by his hypotensive episode michael shot to his feet once more and cupped the undersized orbs with his big hairy hands don't worry love i'll keep you warm he hissed he lent forward and kissed her passionately his course wiry stubble raking across her freshly waxed upper lip sending shivers of delightful discomfort through already sensitive skin tiny bumps of goose flesh sprung up all over her body as every hair that hadn't recently been ripped out at the salon stood to attention lie back michael commanded and veronica instantly did as she was bid she yelped as she toppled off her six-inch heels and collapsed to the floor her exposed buttocks becoming unnervingly intimate with the remains of the thermostat let me finish michael continued i meant lie back on the [ __ ] sofa checking that no plastic had punctured her posterior veronica crawled cat like onto the sheepskin rug and laid back exhausted [ __ ] it let's just do it here she wheezed as she checked the app on her phone i'm not going to be ovulating much longer and besides pascal's nearly here with a deliveroo michael dropped to all fours and waddled across the floor like a komodo dragon seeking his prey hitching aside the smooth fabric of her lace knickers the lovers exchanged a nod which each instantly understood to mean let's not bother with foreplay with a grunt like that of an old man standing michael entered the glorious palace of womanhood and felt that familiar pulse through his body the one that told him this wouldn't take long thrusting for all he was worth michael soon let out a cry of ecstatic anguish and slumped to the ground spent veronica eased his dead weight to one side and tottered to the bathroom to clean up and finish off she was still wearing the chemise and stockings when she opened the door to pascal and snatched the set meal for two from his trembling hands thanks for the food she growled but that's not all i'm hungry for fancy a tip pasquel gulped and rearranged the front of his like recycling shorts you'll have to be quick he said nervously don't worry love veronica's side i'm [ __ ] used to that david yours turned into a story as well didn't it a little tale yeah i think i felt like i had to tell you like an episode of the fact that from viz the question is is whether john has managed to turn his into a story and whether he's referred to a lady's downstairs parts as a palace yeah palace um any other what other word actually spent we both had spent in there tom let's see what what words john has uh has used i think mine's a little bit cleaner than yours you know what erotica is done this uh this is a piece called a raspberry juice malcolm and tracy held hands at the cinema they went for a walk it's a bit like that to be fair this is called cold so they both put on a polo it's the first date it is you know it's just the beginning of the story you know it it's it's just before it gets really filthy oh yes that's what you want from erotica yeah just before things get erotic yeah i mean if you were to read the next page oh my god

but that's for next week this is called a raspberry jam by felicia blemington and it's sort of el james meets jane austen we will be the judge of that john here we go mr highbrow again i said bar quite high there until johnson had been dismissed for inappropriate conduct lady fannersbury had never needed to tend to her own topiary but today what with her new neighbor sir davenshaw melisley due for high tea she decided to take the bush by the thorns and thus could be found upon the veranda carefully trimming the jungle-like buxos rugulosa confronting her a noise from the kitchen garden startled her a sound like a slap there it was again now repeating with increasing vigor until lady fannersbury's curiosity was aroused so feverishly she found her nimble feet already skipping toward the source peering through the raspberry bushes leaning as far as the ample contents of her bodice would allow she spied a young gentleman spanking the bishop quite uneuphemistically for there doubled over was the right reverend ivan sticklefinger the presence of the bishop was of no particular surprise to the lady for his excellency lived only across the river and oft enjoyed exploring her gardens with the express blessing of lord fannersbury of rather more note however was that behind him stood a young handsome gentleman in riding a tire repeatedly smacking him quite as though he meant to mount the poor fellow and ride him away oh my exclaimed her ladyship stepping out from behind the shrubbery to prevent the carnal ritual descending into further indecency the young gentleman turned wild-eyed to the place where her ladyship had exposed herself fetch a physician he cried giving the right reverend sticklefinger an uncommonly hard and prolonged banging at that moment the reverend's bright pew's face burst open and a small identically coloured object was expelled at high velocity from his mouth all three watched as a morsel of raspberry arced through the air bounced off lady fannersbury's left bosom and deposited a sticky red emblem upon that comely dome the bishop suddenly mortified for despoiling her ladyship's left hillock suddenly lunged at her with a watering can to cleanse the offending stain unintentionally dispatching the entire contents over her as the cascade of cold water enveloped her lady fannersbury screamed causing the red-faced bishop to panic rush forward and rob apologetically at her frontage in a vain attempt to dry her the impropriety of this well-intentioned gesture only struck him at precisely the moment he accidentally manhandled one of her ladyship's perfect pillowy protuberances free from its nest whereupon it bounced twice and then hung glorious bobbling and pendulous before them for a moment the garden was utterly silent the bishop gaped the young man bowed and attempted to divert attention from her ladyship who was frantically spooning her suet pudding back into its bowl

your ladyship i am master davenshaw melisley here to convey my father's apologies he has been afflicted with a chill and will not be able to make this afternoon's engagement i happened upon this man in distress bishop master davenshaw melisley interrupted lady fannesbury you have made me very very damp may i inquire as to what you now intend to do about it the young man's eyes roamed over lady fannersbury's fruit garden lingering for a moment upon her ripe honeydew melons that glistened invitingly in the afternoon sun then he lifted his eyes to hers smiled and asked did you have something particular in mind lady fannersbury

wow silence i want to know i want to know what happens next well amazing i'm hooked we haven't quite got there oh my goodness me what a prologue yeah wow john shocks us there with his intense imagery can't resist it can you love it there's more than one way to turn on a cat is that's how the saying goes um i don't think many of those words turned up in me and tom's do they no no there were some different um different words in there but uh what was that bush called that that smell that was the boxes that smell of research that line oh there was definitely a bit of research there

oh it's brilliant wonderful wow thanks um what uh what careers we could have had oh yeah it goes to show doesn't it yeah well it's never too late never too late anyway i think i i get the feeling that we all enjoyed writing them oh yeah i think that came across didn't it i think so yeah sometimes it's nice just to have a little pointless right isn't it actually yeah rather than rather than think you know you know when you oh i feel like i should write something right i'll have to pick up one of the projects i'm half finished yeah i think as well a lot of a lot of pointless writing all those little like silly things that you write are the things that end up uh like being quite good possibly there's a lot to be said for like just having okay i've got you know i'm going to end this by the end of this page so i've got to fill it early beginning middle and end all in one go let's do it i used to love that with writing sketches you just sort of say right i'm not going to go over two pages and just you know just explore around this idea a bit if only novels were only a page long i would have written literally four or five of them by now yeah we could we could uh put together an anthology of incredibly short stories it'll be a market for that could be in there yeah haven't got time to read more than a page kids knocking at the bathroom door yes get over and done with page a day what a book that could be and then if you could somehow if you could connect those pages so there was some kind of story thread that continued throughout them yeah and put them page after page wait for maybe like three or 200 pages or something of it maybe imagine have we now also invented the novel yes what uh what a productive day this has been so fast amazing bit weird we've invented editing the novel before writing the problem is it not necessarily a problem is it no no invent the process and then you know invent the product at the end that's um yeah saves your editing as well if you've already edited it before you can even start yeah so probably makes you wonder in history whether anyone has actually invented something just been tinkering in the shed kind you know the great british inventor or something yeah and invented a a tin opener before tins were invented or german invented a toaster before anyone got around to slicing bread or something like that oh but it must have happened there must the history of little things what is it i don't know it looks good though doesn't it one day one day what is an air fryer it's uh it makes your hands warm [ __ ] that i'll send it to queen victoria and see what she thinks yeah that's um well i enjoyed that quite a lot right then well that's that section of the podcast and isn't it i don't think i'm not feeling a natural progression to another section we'll probably just leave it there play a weird little interview and come back to

but mostly just microsoft word well we were going to talk about jobs weren't we um yeah it kind of came out i was thinking about how lucky we are that as professional voice artistes as just demonstrated by reading those wonderful works of art yeah yeah obviously i mean yeah we are lucky in that in our normal working week when it's not school holidays and there aren't global pandemics and that kind of thing um we could if we so chose uh actually find time to write yes whereas there are people that have full-time jobs and still manage to write more than we do yeah that's true but you know i i can't imagine yeah and what do how did you how do you find time to do anything if you actually i haven't had a proper job since 2006. yeah um i don't know what i don't know how i'd manage now if i actually had to if i had to go somewhere and work uh all day it would

yeah but you're right like having having uh free time really should make it easy um but it didn't always it didn't always work out no i mean the thought came to me in kind of a a whirlwind of of guilt it was basically some kind of like trying to justify well the kids have been off so it's tricky you don't i mean it's fine yeah i think if you've got a custody job it might just be the worst thing that's the other thing i was thinking does it take the edge off yeah because i well firstly you've got very little to write about uh yeah if if your job's quite costly uh i was listening to bruce springsteen on something the other day and he was saying that great art has to come out of suffering but if that is true then i'm [ __ ] so so uh what if he's a famous miner isn't he bruce springsteen um famous for his work down the stretch but no it's true because um you're right like i what what do we write about what do i write about i don't do anything with my time like i was thinking jobs jobs can get in the way of writing but they can also give you ideas give you inspiration for what to write can't they maybe we need to go out and get jobs like we did when we were students and things yeah yeah well i've heard of people that um like comedians and stuff who will go and do something just so they can write about it do a bit about it i think it was frank skinner that that said that he went for a colonic or dave frank skinner or deal one of them went for a colonic irrigation just so we could have just so we could write a bit about it afterwards yeah yeah because in the normal course of things like we i don't do anything it's true and writing about being a voiceover is not really uh yeah that's not it's not gonna be a bestseller no stephen king was a jamita uh which is where um i think was it carrie came from uh okay so i think the show isn't there's a janitor in the shining as well isn't it oh there you go yeah of course i wouldn't just need to draw on past experiences then don't we i once worked in a banana factory so yeah yeah you made bananas how do you make it about putting them in plastic bags for 13-hour shifts um i can't think there was that much inspirational stuff came from that apart from the mild excitement in the factory when someone thought one of the spiders might have been transported with the bananas oh because they're pretty bad banana spiders oh yeah yeah i once spent 13 hours sticking labels on packets which you would think they'd have a machine for that but no just me you'd also think that it's quite easy to identify a banana in it even without a sticker that says banana yeah no we don't when you get them in the supermarket and they come in a bag got the brand on it yeah yeah it doesn't just say banana what are these what are these yellow things yeah oh look it says great uh you used to have a collection john of apple stickers didn't you i did didn't i all around your monitor yeah i was trying to catch them all yeah i never knew there were so many different varieties of apples until i got in that golden russet one day oh that was a prize that was that was a good day they all had different i see that was just the things you learn at work like how would i have ever known that each apple comes with a sticker that's got a different number on it never have known that that's that's a that's a character trait isn't it it's like the opening line to a novel isn't it that exactly where you draw the experience he was 36 before he realized just how many different kinds of apples there were john pulled the sticker off his golden russet but something told him that this apple was different yeah no you need that experience that's uh yeah just need to draw what's the worst job you've ever had dave oh god so in between university and uh working at galaxy writing adverse i worked at a call center um i hate talking on the phone so i i i went on the data inputting side of things um i can't remember what the company was called now but it was it was clearly being deliberately run at a loss with some sort of tax dollar yeah it absolutely was because there was stuff that happened that you just think how could that how could you not know that that's a terrible idea um and it was just like being run into the ground and then they brought this um sort of sales guru in to try to turn things around and he was that night i saw him on an episode of watchdog as like this dodgy sales guy i think it was called melvin or something like that well let's maybe not try and name after slandering him but yeah because like you could tell when i went in for the interview with me national record of achievement and me uh me gcses to certificates and i went in um and it was 9 000 pounds the job was for uh and i went in for the interview and missed suit and tie and she said oh i'm i'm sorry but that um that job's already gone i gave it to someone this morning oh bloody hell do you want to see my national record of achievement no no no she said um the good news is we've got another job which is exactly the same but for 12 and a half thousand pounds do you want that one oh yes please um so i ended up working there sitting next to this guy who had the misfortune of being before me in the queue who's doing exactly the same job for three and a half grand less a yeah how does that even work i have no idea but it was just so there was no system for inputting stuff i got knocked out by my boss at a christmas party um it was just yeah did i tell you this i got so much it was a christmas party and it was so bad that i remember drinking like from from lunchtime and we went into this place in leeds and i remember walking in through the front door at about eight o'clock and the next thing i knew was walking out at three o'clock in the morning uh holding my jaw and going oh christ why does my face hurt and one of the blokes i was with went dave for the last time you were knocked out you were punched in the face and knocked out what so i sort of pieced it together from different stories and i'd been i've been having a conversation with my sort of line manager at the bar and for some reason he then stood up and pushed me down the stairs in this club in leeds and walked down after me taking his coat off and as i stood up he just smacked me in the face and knocked me to the ground um but apparently can you remember what you said i have no idea i don't know what makes like how bad can it be it's not victim playing yeah exactly come on no just what did you do push me down the stairs i think i just said i think this company is being run as a tax dodge right okay maybe something like that but that didn't what was worse a bunch

probably had some kind of criminal you thought in the middle of a yeah yeah so um but so push down the stairs stand up punch down that didn't knock me out apparently i went to get up and then this guy called ziggy ran over picked my head up and someone else shouted don't move him so he let go of my head which went smack on the dance floor and that's what knocked me out apparently that explains

yeah yeah it's been downhill wow dave so that was your best job what was your worst job first job but the thing was with that though it was so mind-numbing that apart from the being knocked out incident it there wasn't really any inspiration to do anything yeah no okay 13 hours sticking stickers on banana packets yeah it's not really a starter for ten is it but working when i worked we talked to me about the chemist thing that i was writing because i worked in a chemist when i was at school and i've that's i've there's a lot of inspiration from that um so you know what about you john worst i uh i signed a non-disclosure agreement so i'm not really supposed to go into detail but you know i can work around the edges of it uh one summer i uh let's just say i worked for a large financial institution um and i worked as what was known as a call catcher uh in the mortgage arrears department and basically this company had um they had targets they needed to hit for the time uh that it took to answer the phone so they employed people like me to answer the phone without any training and take the details of these i mean well you can imagine these desperate people who'd just had a letter telling them that their house was about to be repossessed and uh i was supposed to reassure them that we'd call them back but what i wasn't allowed to tell these people was that it would sometimes take around 24 hours to get back to them and bearing in mind this is in the days before mobile phones so inevitably when when they called back they weren't in so it was just horrible it was an absolutely horrible job and occasionally like the smarter people on the other end of the phone the people calling would kind of cotton on to the fact that i had you didn't know what you were talking about yeah i had absolutely i was literally just there to answer the phone and take their name and they would ask me what are you doing answering the phone if you know that like you can't actually help anyone who's phoning up for help and i never came up with a good answer to that because uh it literally was just to get the time down wow it was just awful and occasionally in fact quite frequently probably like 10 times in the day i would have people screaming at me down the phone and uh obviously had to try and stay calm and then go and get the manager who was always missing and uh yeah it was just horrendous he was probably off punching some money very possibly yeah that was an awful job

hello bastard and bastard oh thank god thank you so much branson you you've got to help me i i don't really don't know what to do i'm absolutely desperate we're about to be evicted from our house and my kids don't have anywhere to live and i'm like yeah unfortunately you missed out the bit where that's my problem you you heartless how can you sleep at night oh i just listened to erotic fiction audiobooks oh got a call waiting hello bastard invested god that sounds horrendous what a moral quandary so i assume you just you just left did you after your first shift

i did it for a summer for an entire you did that for an entire summer without yeah i did it i did actually uh so if anyone listening had their house repossessed between the months of may and september

yeah it's amazing what you do when you're younger well when i disagreed when i had a moral disagreement with something i just left did you um that was my worst job well i was there for one shift what the bananas didn't like the way the bananas were it wasn't bananas i was there while doing bananas that was just monotonous but um when i worked at the frozen yorkshire pudding factory that was one shift one shift oh you can't freeze yorkshire puddings it's wrong on so many levels that was the reason you left it was disgustingly hot from the air was filled with liquid oil like it was humid with oil and then you'd spend all the time taking these hot yorksh puddings out of the trays putting them in the little plastic packets and then putting them on the shelvings that would then fill up and get moved away and at the end of the shift the manager came around and she said uh all right let's have a look here and she's so she went in the bin which is where you put the orcs puddings that have fallen on the floor or someone accidentally kicked or you'd sneezed on um and started sort of brushing them off and as long as they looked intact they were going in trays she was putting them in trays but yeah anyway so and it was it was just disgusting you know just i just smelled of like had been in a deep fat fryer and um she said right she must be used to it because she said right who's coming back tomorrow which is a bit of a leading question isn't it and um was on the last hour and she's like will you be coming back tomorrow i was like no sorry no i won't it's it's uh it's so you were trying to make it sound like it was a sort of moral question but really it was just a horrible job it was just quite unpleasant but she was obviously aware of that but uh because because it's not like bringing the police or anything to stop that practice from happening you just didn't go back i just yeah withdrew my labor dave yeah um but she she said when i said to her no i won't be coming back tomorrow she sort of leaned into me as if to offer me some incentive to stay and she said if you come back tomorrow i'll let you work in the freezer whoa as if that was a treat that's the one everyone wants better for being hot and sticky with oil well would you like to be frozen to the core for eight hours how about that with oil i was like uh no no i was like no i have a moral objection to the way you're treating these yorkshire puddings yeah um i won't be able to work here sorry and left with my head healthy yeah proud of your man well good good for you good for you tom and i think the next job i got was in a sweet shop that made [ __ ] gems and wine gums so hello karma

and i tell the kids about this and it's you should see their faces when you say oh when as a student had a few jobs and you tell them about the banana factory and the yorkshire pudding factory and so i went to work in a sweet sweet factory yeah you could eat as much as you want what what oh yeah it does sound a bit like a roald dahl book didn't it down the banana factory and then the yorkshire pudding plant how long did it take you to get bored of eating sweets well um the factory had to show too many what you having for your break there tom [ __ ] gems gems um you can't take them out finally right three boxes of [ __ ] gems give me the black ones why are no [ __ ] gems coming down the conveyor belt today

yeah you know you know in willy wonka in the choctaw factory yeah yeah augustus gloop i think i probably i was the one who sucked up a massive [ __ ]

or something like that

well that's it then so next week's task is to um get a job in a factory and then leave on moral ethical grounds yes defines find the most objectionable immoral job you possibly can but then to quit it immediately um to show how i think you'll find you're not allowed to call them [ __ ] gyms anymore i'm not i will not be returning tomorrow

but the thing is that's i only had i worked in the chemist i worked in the in the knockoff data input in place i worked in the co-op briefly before the chemist um i was head hunted to the chemist and that's it then i worked at galaxy and i haven't had a job since my other half's cut like when she applies for jobs and she's she says like you look through the application form i i don't know what i'm looking for i haven't i don't have a clue i only ever had one like two interviews in my life i can't really dave just says just go to the job and then when you get there they'll probably offer your job the same job but for more money just make sure you're not supposed to work yeah just don't be first in for the interview i think that's it that's the other thing about doing what we do is the um i think that's the other problem is the it's the it's not just the the fact that we don't have very much to write it's the motivation because actually if you've got a job that pays you know does actually pay the bills you you fundamentally know you don't have to write a book to bring the money in you know you just you have to write just for the joy of writing yeah the steak the steaks aren't that high they managed to alienate quite a lot potentially yeah our life is so hard because because our life is so easy yeah it makes things really hard yeah you're right we can't say that can we we cannot say that it's and it's true there isn't i do think i think in a way we're out of touch with reality i think that's possibly what it comes down to yeah it probably doesn't play well people are actually working really hard and during bringing up a thought actually do have a burning desire to write something and we're here going oh i spent half an hour writing something that was more than then went out and bought a car

and watched a bit of netflix yeah you think a writer is like uh philip k dick the guy who uh yeah wrote the blade runner thing um he he got into drugs because he was he was that poor that he had to bang out stories really quickly so he's taking amphetamines so he could basically write during the night as well as during the day just to pay the bills see that's what you want you want a bit of that striving you know banging out story after story that's what we need yeah the pressure i know the absolute pressure you need to give on give our money that's what i was hoping this podcast would provide in a very less drug-fueled kind of way that little bit of that little bit of peer pressure expectation and generating we should be doing something well yeah but look what look what we've achieved by having a task to do and sort of a deadline in which to do it we all actually wrote something yeah yeah uh of dubious quality well yeah and we should get other people writing stuff as well yeah we should we should give other people deadlines and tasks okay so are we going to get other people to uh write us some erotic fiction do we really want to read through all that send us some filth my my post box is wide open yeah i want to know what's going on in the depraved minds of our listeners absolutely okay yeah send us some stuff maybe we'll have like a little midweek special yeah we've we've we've set the bar incredibly low um as you just heard so um yeah but just send us send us a page of your finest erotic fiction and um i don't know maybe we'll do something with the best ones we could read them out or we could we could act them out can we

yeah if you want if you want to do it yeah okay that would have taken quite a nasty turn possibly yeah yeah so they need to send those uh you can either hit us up on twitter at failingwriters or um failingwriterspodcast gmail.com send send stuff through there yeah yes yeah oh can't wait can't wait can't wait yeah really what could possibly go wrong well hopefully we can inspire other people in the way that we ourselves have been inspired or maybe they'll write something decent yeah maybe who knows but yeah i think that'd be good i'm quite excited about that yeah so yeah send us senders in your work see if you can rise to the occasion and uh put a smile on our face yeah so what we doing for next week next week we're going to interview a proper bonafide writer also next week we don't need a task for next week because i'd ask you just to turn up and talk next week's task is to think of some really tricky questions for owen yes that's that's what we'll do we can do that we can do that can we should we get him to write some erotic

where's everybody gone